words i’d never say to you
Dear Mystery Boy (in space),
For the longest time I didn’t know what I wanted, and then we met at a place really close to my heart, and I realized I wanted you. Or I thought I wanted you.
you showed me this caring, interesting, funny, honest persona, and you help people for a living (in ways that I can’t!).
I thought you were a gift that I was getting for finally treating myself well.
I changed all of my habitual behavior that I didn’t like. I only did things I wanted to do. I started to put myself first for one of the first times. I was proud of myself. I didn’t turn a blind eye to any aspect of my life. Nothing was meaningless. I was so honest with you. I wanted you to like me for who I really was—no more, no less.
We used to talk so often. I fell in like with everything about you, and I was so excited. I used to get butterflies whenever I’d see your name. I hadn’t felt that way in a long time!
Then you stopped talking to me as soon as you got what you wanted. Whenever I saw your name, those butterflies turned into fluttering pangs of sadness. But I tried not to take it personally.
I went through facing the usual fear of not being good enough mixed with trying to remind myself that I am. Sometimes the fear would win, and sometimes my encouragement would win.
I don’t blame you for any of this.
You were the catalyst to show me what I wanted. Even though I thought it was you, this wonderful boy who I thought I was getting to know so well. But I don’t know you at all! You were a semi-translucent mirror that gave me the space to be who I am, to show someone who I am and hope they accept it.
You didn’t accept it, and then I was forced to accept it for myself. I did the work on myself to be exactly who I wanted to be, for you, but then you were gone. So now I am this cool girl for myself. I sang my favorite love songs to myself! (Do you know how empowering that is? I suggest everyone do that at least once a month).
Thank you for the time you spent with me. Thank you even more for the time you spend without me. Thank you for showing me what I want (and what I don’t want). and most of all, thank you for being you, whoever you are.
Thank you the gorgeous Chef Lane for this amazing butternut squash ravioli!!!
Beadwork by Jan Huling
Ordinary objects like dolls, toys, and a globe are transformed with Czech seed beads in colorful patterns on the surface.
"Kiss your own fingertips
and hug your own curves.
You are made of waves and honey
and spicy peppers when it is necessary.
You are a goddess,
I hope you haven’t forgotten."
"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life."
"At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening."
knoww that you are loved today
(and every day)
"First Bloom" - 3D Virtual Reality - © Mark W Ballard
Click the image to purchase this picture.
i’m so curious!